Dear Chris,
Today I received an email.....one with a video that I have seen before....and it made me bawl like a baby again. So often people tell me how they admire my strength, my courage......and then I look at this video and I feel so small compared to this wonderful mother. I cannot even begin to imagine what she was feeling. I know what it means to lose a child and I know all the heartbeak associated with that...........but I never had to watch you suffer and die.
Remember when we all watched "The Passion of Christ". The next day you and I talked about it and I remember telling you how throughout the whole movie I was focused on Mary....watching her on the sidelines, following her son and knowing that she couldn't do anything to help Him. But she knew He had to suffer and die and she knew it was all God's will. And somehow, someway, I've come to accept the fact that it was God's will for you to leave us so soon. I don't understand the why's right now but I do know His way is perfect.
You're always in my thoughts sweet son and the memories of your smile bring smiles to my face and wash away the tears that appear each and every day.
I love you and miss you so much,
Mom
Friday, July 31, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Another Family Gathering
Hi Son,
As some of us gathered at Uncle Frank and Aunt Michelle's mountain place this weekend, it brought back so many memories of my last visit there. It was five years ago......the whole family together for the 50th anniversary surprise. And you were with us then.......and how I wish you were with us this weekend. I was picturing little Christopher following you around and you making "goo goo" sounds at little Mikey. I was picturing what should have been an even happier weekend.
Not only was I wishing you were there, I was also reflecting on our last visit. I will never forget how you tried to teach Aunt Annie and I to ride that four wheeler. I can see your smile and hear your laughter right now. You always loved our family times. They go on without you.....they will never be the same......but we create new memories and treasure the old.
Little Christopher and I went down and visited where Babczi is buried. I tried to explain to him who she was. Then I told him that she was up in heaven with you and Jesus. He was a little confused.......he'll understand one day.
I miss you so much and love you always and forever,
Mom
As some of us gathered at Uncle Frank and Aunt Michelle's mountain place this weekend, it brought back so many memories of my last visit there. It was five years ago......the whole family together for the 50th anniversary surprise. And you were with us then.......and how I wish you were with us this weekend. I was picturing little Christopher following you around and you making "goo goo" sounds at little Mikey. I was picturing what should have been an even happier weekend.
Not only was I wishing you were there, I was also reflecting on our last visit. I will never forget how you tried to teach Aunt Annie and I to ride that four wheeler. I can see your smile and hear your laughter right now. You always loved our family times. They go on without you.....they will never be the same......but we create new memories and treasure the old.
Little Christopher and I went down and visited where Babczi is buried. I tried to explain to him who she was. Then I told him that she was up in heaven with you and Jesus. He was a little confused.......he'll understand one day.
I miss you so much and love you always and forever,
Mom
Friday, July 17, 2009
Self Pity
Dear Chris,
Yesterday, my devotion was on self pity; I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since then. "Self pity is a slimy, bottomless pit. Once you fall in, you tend to go deeper and deeper into the mire. As you slide down those slippery walls, you are well on your way to depression, and the darkness is profound."
The answer, of course, is to look up and see the light of His presence. It seems so simple when you read it; following it is another thing.
There have been so many times in my life when God used you, or your sister, or your brother to lift me out of that pit. I'm sure in many instances none of you realized what you were doing for me. I've come a long way but I still find myself starting to slip into that pit sometimes. I fight hard....I have to......I don't want to fall all the way down.
How much I wish I could speak these words to you and hear your reassuring, "Everything will be okay, Mom".
Miss you so much.
Love,
Mom
Yesterday, my devotion was on self pity; I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since then. "Self pity is a slimy, bottomless pit. Once you fall in, you tend to go deeper and deeper into the mire. As you slide down those slippery walls, you are well on your way to depression, and the darkness is profound."
The answer, of course, is to look up and see the light of His presence. It seems so simple when you read it; following it is another thing.
There have been so many times in my life when God used you, or your sister, or your brother to lift me out of that pit. I'm sure in many instances none of you realized what you were doing for me. I've come a long way but I still find myself starting to slip into that pit sometimes. I fight hard....I have to......I don't want to fall all the way down.
How much I wish I could speak these words to you and hear your reassuring, "Everything will be okay, Mom".
Miss you so much.
Love,
Mom
Monday, July 13, 2009
Rainy Days and Mondays
Dear Chris,
I'm still in that funky mood. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get away from it. Tears flow for no reason. I pray for peace but I can't seem to grasp onto to it. It's at times like this that I miss you more than ever. I'm not going to ask why......I refuse to go there.....I know, deep down, the answer to that question. I may not always want to accept it, but I do know the answer.
You are at peace.....and so shall I ............soon, hopefully.
I love you,
Mom
I'm still in that funky mood. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get away from it. Tears flow for no reason. I pray for peace but I can't seem to grasp onto to it. It's at times like this that I miss you more than ever. I'm not going to ask why......I refuse to go there.....I know, deep down, the answer to that question. I may not always want to accept it, but I do know the answer.
You are at peace.....and so shall I ............soon, hopefully.
I love you,
Mom
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Eerie Stillness
Good Morning Son,
There's an eerie stillness in the "neighborhood" today; Mike and Amber and the boys are away at the beach. My normal busy weekend has turned into a very quiet event and I don't handle quietness very well.
It's at times like these that I "think" too much, relive that night, relive so many uneasy feelings. I start to fall in a direction that I don't like going. I cope better when there is busy-ness in my life. It's not that I ever forget during the busy times but it keeps me focused in another direction - one that somehow seems safer. To go back just reminds me how big this hole in my heart is, how I can't feel that big hug when I need it most and how a picture of your smile is all I can hang onto.
You are fine, you are happy, and you are in total peace.......and I, too, will get back to that point....just as soon as I totally absorb myself in another task.
I love you Son,
Mom
There's an eerie stillness in the "neighborhood" today; Mike and Amber and the boys are away at the beach. My normal busy weekend has turned into a very quiet event and I don't handle quietness very well.
It's at times like these that I "think" too much, relive that night, relive so many uneasy feelings. I start to fall in a direction that I don't like going. I cope better when there is busy-ness in my life. It's not that I ever forget during the busy times but it keeps me focused in another direction - one that somehow seems safer. To go back just reminds me how big this hole in my heart is, how I can't feel that big hug when I need it most and how a picture of your smile is all I can hang onto.
You are fine, you are happy, and you are in total peace.......and I, too, will get back to that point....just as soon as I totally absorb myself in another task.
I love you Son,
Mom
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Blueberries
Dear Chris,
I sit, each morning, and reflect on my growing prayer list. God gave me the wonderful gift of intercession, as he did you while you were on this earth. Many times, though, I feel like I want to do something "tangible" for people in need; I feel like when I say, "I will pray for you.", that it isn't enough. Shame on me for that.....what a privilege it is to pray on behalf of those in need!
I've thought a lot this past week, as I've picked our blueberries, about an incident that happened four years ago. It reminds me how much you were like your mother. You had come home from work and in your hands was a BIG bag of squash. An elderly man on your route....one that ran out to meet you each month, knowing when you would be coming by.....asked you if you liked squash. Of course, you didn't have the heart to say no to him and he excitedly gave you that big bag of squash. Well, immediately, you wanted to do something for him. You asked me if there were enough blueberries that I could pick so you could bring them to him. At that time, we had skimpy bushes and probably only got a bowl each week. You seemed disappointed; he was a lonely man who didn't have much. So I looked at you and told you that you could pray for him....pray that God would fill his life and take away some of his loneliness. Like me, you wanted to do something tangible.......but what that man needed more than anything was to have someone praying for him.
I've often thought of some of those people you interacted with each month. I know they grieved when they learned you had left us. But I also know that God gave them all something else to look forward to each month.
So, as I pick the containers and containers of blueberries this year, I remember your kind heart and how many lives you touched in your short time here on earth.
Missing and loving you so much,
Mom
I sit, each morning, and reflect on my growing prayer list. God gave me the wonderful gift of intercession, as he did you while you were on this earth. Many times, though, I feel like I want to do something "tangible" for people in need; I feel like when I say, "I will pray for you.", that it isn't enough. Shame on me for that.....what a privilege it is to pray on behalf of those in need!
I've thought a lot this past week, as I've picked our blueberries, about an incident that happened four years ago. It reminds me how much you were like your mother. You had come home from work and in your hands was a BIG bag of squash. An elderly man on your route....one that ran out to meet you each month, knowing when you would be coming by.....asked you if you liked squash. Of course, you didn't have the heart to say no to him and he excitedly gave you that big bag of squash. Well, immediately, you wanted to do something for him. You asked me if there were enough blueberries that I could pick so you could bring them to him. At that time, we had skimpy bushes and probably only got a bowl each week. You seemed disappointed; he was a lonely man who didn't have much. So I looked at you and told you that you could pray for him....pray that God would fill his life and take away some of his loneliness. Like me, you wanted to do something tangible.......but what that man needed more than anything was to have someone praying for him.
I've often thought of some of those people you interacted with each month. I know they grieved when they learned you had left us. But I also know that God gave them all something else to look forward to each month.
So, as I pick the containers and containers of blueberries this year, I remember your kind heart and how many lives you touched in your short time here on earth.
Missing and loving you so much,
Mom
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
At Last.........
Getting my feet wet in the blogging world. I've thought for months about starting a blog for my business but felt prompted to start with a personal blog first. I'm not sure where God is leading me with this because I will most likely be exposing a lot of private feelings......but I follow His lead.
I've written all my letters to Chris in a private journal since his death. This will be a lot different.
I will use Chris' favorite scripture as my guide. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:13
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