Another Christmas

Dear Chris,

It was hard - another Christmas without you. How you loved Christmas! All week long, as I tried to busy myself and not "think", memories filled my mind at an even faster pace than usual. Over and over, I kept picturing your last moments - what were you thinking, how were you feeling. I can't bear the thought that you suffered so much those last minutes of your life. And I wasn't there to protect my baby.

Yesterday, after placing flowers at your gravesite, little Christopher was asking me why I was so sad. Then he put his "sad face" on and told me that he was sad too because he missed Uncle Chris so much. He wants to come and see you but I told him that he had to wait a long time. I did tell him, though, that once he saw his Uncle Chris that he would never ever be separated from him - that we would all be together forever! He smiled!

God continues to bless me but nothing will ever replace the loss I have suffered. Your memories keep me going until we are together again.

Missing you and loving you,

Mom

Four Years of Missing You

My precious son, Chris,

I can't believe you left us four years ago today for your eternal resting place. I relive that day so many times...over and over again. And still, there are times it doesn't seem real.

I had the privilege of being your mother for almost 23 years; I was truly blessed. You were one of a kind and touched my life in so many beautiful ways.

My heart still aches, the tears still flow...and I hold onto the wonderful memories.

Until we meet again........and it will be FOREVER!!!

I love you with all my heart,

Mom

The Sadness Begins

Dear Chris,

I woke up today, remembering this morning four years ago - December 1, 2005. I had to leave very early that morning for an overnight business trip and I didn't want to go.

The day before you had come home from work early as sick as I had ever seen you. As I walked in your room that morning to kiss you goodbye, I was so torn. How could I leave? But I knew I couldn't do anything but pray and your Dad was around, and so I reluctantly left. Thankfully you were much better that night when I called you.

Little did I know then had little time I had left with you. I would not have gone if I had any idea.

I miss you so much son!!

I love you,

Mom

Proud Day For Your Cousins

Hi Son,

I know you've watched your cousins, Damian and Brandon, play their hearts out all football season. They dedicated this season to your memory and had your initials on their wrists for each game. I know you are proud of them.

And now....they are heading to the finals of the DE state championship....on Friday, the fourth anniversary of your death. They've wanted this all season and I know you will continue to be with them.

For Damian, it will be his last game...........and hopefully the championship.

Your memory lives on!!!

I love you,

Mom

Happy Thanksgiving

Dear Chris,

We're about an hour and a half away from another holiday without you. And as if it wasn't hard enough to spend another holiday without you, drama begins again. I don't understand why people have to make holidays even tougher for me.

As much as I try to continue with traditions, I am not sure it is worth it anymore. I'm just really down.

Do you remember, "I wish you enough." I'm sure you do. I think I had suppressed it until it surfaced this week. Oh what memories it brought back! It was hard at first.....but I'm okay with it now. I guess I can't wish that for you anymore since you have it all now!!!! But I can pass it on to others and maybe some will be blessed by it like we were.

Well, another day, another holiday - bringing me one day closer to seeing you again.

I miss you so much and at times I can hardly stand it. Thank you for being such a blessing in my life.

My love always,

Mom

I Salute You

Happy Veterans' Day my dear son!!

This is a bittersweet day. I sit and remember the sacrifices you made for your country and how proud you were to serve. Then I remember, too, how God put that smile back on my face 3 years ago this day - with the birth of your namesake.

I was so proud of you for serving and I am still am. The tears have been flowing all day as the memories flow through my mind.

I salute you son!

Love Always,

Mom

It Never Fails

Dear Son,

I celebrated another birthday without you this week but your family made sure it was a special one and I had a really good day. I thought about you a lot and I always remember how much you loved birthdays and holidays. I also know how you would want us to continue our traditions........so we do.

But it never fails.........every time I think I can take a step forward, it seems I go back 2 or 3 steps. There is always some kind of "drama" going on and it just drags me down. Why? Because I let it.

Remember how you always wanted to "fix" the world - well, me too..........but I can't. I can't "fix" people or situations. You'd think I would've learned that by now. :-)

So it's time once again for me to get up, shake it off and let others be responsible for their decisions and the outcome.

Thanks once again for listening!

I love you and miss you,

Mom

I'll Be There

Dear Chris,

I sometimes look at the world around me and wonder why some people just don't "get it". There is so much emphasis on "self" and we, as a country, are now reaping what we've sowed. I can't understand why so many who label themselves Christians are walking through this life in such an ungodly way. Though I want for everyone I know and love to spend eternity with us, I am beginning to believe that won't happen. But the bottom line....I am responsible only for me....and I can say with 100% certainty that I will see you again one day and you will be standing there welcoming me into my eternal home.

I miss you sweet son and love you always,

Mom

The Sadness Continues

Dear Chris,

I'm going through a rough time right now and at times like this I miss you more than ever. I never expected you to solve my problems but there was just something about your smile and your reassurances that made things better.

I have been going through so many "flashbacks" lately - not sure why. And even some of the anger issues are trying to resurface but so far I'm keeping them at bay. I don't want to go there again - I've forgiven and I can't go back.

I know you are in the best place possible.....and I know, one day, I will join you. It hurts to know that some may never see you again....but I am only responsible for myself....and I'll be there!!!!

I love you so much and miss you more than ever,

Mom

Another One of Those Days

Hi Son,

It's another one of those days...I call them my "Chris Days". I wake up on these days and nothing goes right all day long. I "see" you everywhere, can't stop thinking about you and wish you were here to comfort me.

On days like today, I just want to crawl back in the bed, hide under the covers and hope when I wake all my pain will be gone.

I miss you so much!!!

Love ya,

Mom

Life Goes On

Dear Chris,

I've often heard it said that babies are God's way of showing us that life goes on. In the same hospital where you left us, a new life entered the world this weekend.

Though I haven't met him in person yet, I've seen pictures of him....and little Colton is a beautiful blessing for James and Alissa. I know you are proud of James and I believe he will make a great Daddy.

These little blessings have their own special angel watching over them..........Christopher, Mikey, Ryder and now Colton. I wish you could be here to share the joy with James but I know you are looking down and smiling upon him.

I had always thought that you would've been such a good Daddy.....but I will never be able to see that happen.

Missing you so much and loving you always,

Mom

No, Not What's Next?

Dear Son,

You still have a way of comforting me even though you're not here with me now. As I sat tonight and reflected over the last couple of weeks, I "saw" you and "heard" you saying, "Mom, it's going to be okay." And you are right, everything is going to be okay.

First one a.c. unit, then the next, then a hot water heater, then a Jeep, the tragedy occuring with some family members and now the work truck......I could say, "What's next?".....But I won't. As your sister gently reminded me today, God never gives us more than we can handle. Sometimes I think that God has a lot more confidence in me than I do in myself. But with all He allows in our lives, He also gives us the grace to sustain us through the hard times.

As hard as things have been, I am grateful for so many more things. Looking at the bigger picture, I have so much more than most people and I am truly grateful for that.

Thank you once again for setting your mother straight!!

I love you my precious son,

Mom

Splish Splash

Dear Chris,

I know memories aren't the same as having you here with me but they can brighten up what sometimes is a dreary day.

The last couple of days, as I watched your nephews splashing around in the bathtub, a lot of pleasant memories flooded my mind. I found myself laughing and actually feeling good inside. You know where I'm going with these thoughts. There is one specific incident that came to my mind - the tape we have of you and Heather in the tub shortly after we moved here. I'm going to find that tape this week and play it. I think little Christopher will get a kick out of it.

It saddens me that your nephews will never know you personally. Sometimes I can picture you rolling on the floor with them and acting goofy. You would've loved them and they would've adored you. All I can give them are the memories I have but I know one day they will get to meet their Uncle Chris and be with him for eternity.

I'm missing you son - so very much!

Love Always,

Mom

A Mother's Love

Dear Chris,

Today I received an email.....one with a video that I have seen before....and it made me bawl like a baby again. So often people tell me how they admire my strength, my courage......and then I look at this video and I feel so small compared to this wonderful mother. I cannot even begin to imagine what she was feeling. I know what it means to lose a child and I know all the heartbeak associated with that...........but I never had to watch you suffer and die.

Remember when we all watched "The Passion of Christ". The next day you and I talked about it and I remember telling you how throughout the whole movie I was focused on Mary....watching her on the sidelines, following her son and knowing that she couldn't do anything to help Him. But she knew He had to suffer and die and she knew it was all God's will. And somehow, someway, I've come to accept the fact that it was God's will for you to leave us so soon. I don't understand the why's right now but I do know His way is perfect.

You're always in my thoughts sweet son and the memories of your smile bring smiles to my face and wash away the tears that appear each and every day.

I love you and miss you so much,

Mom

Another Family Gathering

Hi Son,

As some of us gathered at Uncle Frank and Aunt Michelle's mountain place this weekend, it brought back so many memories of my last visit there. It was five years ago......the whole family together for the 50th anniversary surprise. And you were with us then.......and how I wish you were with us this weekend. I was picturing little Christopher following you around and you making "goo goo" sounds at little Mikey. I was picturing what should have been an even happier weekend.

Not only was I wishing you were there, I was also reflecting on our last visit. I will never forget how you tried to teach Aunt Annie and I to ride that four wheeler. I can see your smile and hear your laughter right now. You always loved our family times. They go on without you.....they will never be the same......but we create new memories and treasure the old.

Little Christopher and I went down and visited where Babczi is buried. I tried to explain to him who she was. Then I told him that she was up in heaven with you and Jesus. He was a little confused.......he'll understand one day.

I miss you so much and love you always and forever,

Mom

Self Pity

Dear Chris,

Yesterday, my devotion was on self pity; I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since then. "Self pity is a slimy, bottomless pit. Once you fall in, you tend to go deeper and deeper into the mire. As you slide down those slippery walls, you are well on your way to depression, and the darkness is profound."

The answer, of course, is to look up and see the light of His presence. It seems so simple when you read it; following it is another thing.

There have been so many times in my life when God used you, or your sister, or your brother to lift me out of that pit. I'm sure in many instances none of you realized what you were doing for me. I've come a long way but I still find myself starting to slip into that pit sometimes. I fight hard....I have to......I don't want to fall all the way down.

How much I wish I could speak these words to you and hear your reassuring, "Everything will be okay, Mom".

Miss you so much.

Love,

Mom

Rainy Days and Mondays

Dear Chris,

I'm still in that funky mood. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get away from it. Tears flow for no reason. I pray for peace but I can't seem to grasp onto to it. It's at times like this that I miss you more than ever. I'm not going to ask why......I refuse to go there.....I know, deep down, the answer to that question. I may not always want to accept it, but I do know the answer.

You are at peace.....and so shall I ............soon, hopefully.

I love you,

Mom

Eerie Stillness

Good Morning Son,

There's an eerie stillness in the "neighborhood" today; Mike and Amber and the boys are away at the beach. My normal busy weekend has turned into a very quiet event and I don't handle quietness very well.

It's at times like these that I "think" too much, relive that night, relive so many uneasy feelings. I start to fall in a direction that I don't like going. I cope better when there is busy-ness in my life. It's not that I ever forget during the busy times but it keeps me focused in another direction - one that somehow seems safer. To go back just reminds me how big this hole in my heart is, how I can't feel that big hug when I need it most and how a picture of your smile is all I can hang onto.

You are fine, you are happy, and you are in total peace.......and I, too, will get back to that point....just as soon as I totally absorb myself in another task.

I love you Son,

Mom

Blueberries

Dear Chris,

I sit, each morning, and reflect on my growing prayer list. God gave me the wonderful gift of intercession, as he did you while you were on this earth. Many times, though, I feel like I want to do something "tangible" for people in need; I feel like when I say, "I will pray for you.", that it isn't enough. Shame on me for that.....what a privilege it is to pray on behalf of those in need!

I've thought a lot this past week, as I've picked our blueberries, about an incident that happened four years ago. It reminds me how much you were like your mother. You had come home from work and in your hands was a BIG bag of squash. An elderly man on your route....one that ran out to meet you each month, knowing when you would be coming by.....asked you if you liked squash. Of course, you didn't have the heart to say no to him and he excitedly gave you that big bag of squash. Well, immediately, you wanted to do something for him. You asked me if there were enough blueberries that I could pick so you could bring them to him. At that time, we had skimpy bushes and probably only got a bowl each week. You seemed disappointed; he was a lonely man who didn't have much. So I looked at you and told you that you could pray for him....pray that God would fill his life and take away some of his loneliness. Like me, you wanted to do something tangible.......but what that man needed more than anything was to have someone praying for him.

I've often thought of some of those people you interacted with each month. I know they grieved when they learned you had left us. But I also know that God gave them all something else to look forward to each month.

So, as I pick the containers and containers of blueberries this year, I remember your kind heart and how many lives you touched in your short time here on earth.

Missing and loving you so much,

Mom

At Last.........

Getting my feet wet in the blogging world. I've thought for months about starting a blog for my business but felt prompted to start with a personal blog first. I'm not sure where God is leading me with this because I will most likely be exposing a lot of private feelings......but I follow His lead.

I've written all my letters to Chris in a private journal since his death. This will be a lot different.

I will use Chris' favorite scripture as my guide. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:13